The Thing About Leading Double Lives

Photo credit: Juxxtapose

I had to turn down an invitation to a friend’s wedding today because we wouldn’t be back in Singapore on the date of his big day. I knew this would happen at some point. Being away means that you will inevitably miss out on on some of your friends’ lives. Just earlier this year, I flew off to Ahmedabad as my childhood friend went into labour with her firstborn. Last month, we went back to collect the keys to our new home (above is the view from our window) that we would not be moving into because, well, we wouldn’t be around to live in it.

I could convince myself that missing all these is not that big a deal, but that’s what worries me. When I’m in India, it is easy to pretend that whatever’s happening in Singapore doesn’t matter simply because I’m just so far away from it all. And I’m actually kinda good at that, which is why I generally feel peace, to the extent of finding respite when I’m back here. It’s almost like being able to escape reality, reality being whatever’s happening in Singapore. But I don’t want to pretend that these things are not happening or that they do not affect me!

I worry that if I don’t diligently keep up with the happenings in Singapore, I’ll just lose touch with all my friends. It’s difficult to stay in touch when you’re so far away. I now make it a point to catch up with people, despite never being the type to send a ‘How are you doing?’ text in the past. Because I still have a life in Singapore. Another life, it seems. A different one from the one I have here. And I don’t want to lose that.

Photographs

It was strange. I was just staring at the photos hanging on my wall, thinking about which wedding photo I would like to have passed down to my future children and their children and so on. Wondering which photo alone fully captures the essence of that day.

And then it happened. It suddenly struck me that my children would probably not feel the same sentiments I have to my truckload of photos. Photos with my friends, photos from travels, etc. They might still keep my wedding photos for keepsake and of course, family photos. But what would my picture of, say, the Great Wall of China mean to them? Probably not much, definitely not as much as when I look at the photo myself.

Then I wondered what they would do with my digital truckload of photos when I die. What is the point of keeping photos if no one looks at them, when the photographer herself is no longer around to enjoy them herself?

To me, photos are attempts to capture moments and memories. A third party looking at a photo will never understand it as fully as the person who was taking the photo. Memories can never fully be shared with someone who wasn’t there. And just as memories disappear along with a person who has passed on, the photos will also no longer serve its purpose, unless there were others present in that captured moment.

Instead, I hope that through my photos, they see the world as I saw it. That they are inspired to live the life they want. That the smiles of my friends, whom they may not have met, show them the blessings of good friendships. And that they too will be encouraged to build their own memories, and in tow, their own truckload of photos.

My Tamed Rose

“People have forgotten this truth,” the fox said. “But you mustn’t forget it. You become responsible forever for what you’ve tamed. You’re responsible for your rose.”

― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

I did not understand this before. And I still did not understand this fully when I read it. But now I think I do.

In the book, ‘tamed’ is defined by the establishing of ties between 2 parties, so much so that both see the other as a unique individual, different from the faces in the crowd. The relationship that forms also means that when one leaves, the other will feel the sadness.

When we form special relationships in our lives, we must remember that we become responsible for the other. For caring for the other, for being there for the other, we cannot and should not just leave or ignore the other. Because by taming the other, we decide to be responsible for the other. The other starts relying on you for your care or support, and vice versa.

My rose became my rose by accident, I suppose. No one really makes friends intentionally. But my rose was getting suffocated by her own thorns more and more day by day. I diligently fed her water and nutrients every day. Sprayed the bugs with pesticide. Plucked the weeds growing around her. I tried to make her environment better, for that was the best I could do. I tried to trim her thorns, but they grew too quickly and too wildly, that they choked her faster than I was able to stop them. Tending one’s garden is hard work, and I got tired eventually. Maybe my rose was a lost cause, and I should replace it with another flower.

But then I was reminded that when I tamed my rose, I would always be responsible for her.

Create Your Own Highlight Reel

By chance, or perhaps due to my habit of procrastination, I was just browsing through my Instagram photos for the past year. And to be honest, I look like I have an incredible whirlwind of a life.

Two thoughts followed:
1. I now understand what they mean when they say social media is unhealthy cos it shows you the ‘highlight reel’ of someone else’s life and it causes you to compare your own life to that and subsequently feel like you don’t have enough going for you. My string of posts did indeed look like a highlight reel, showing massive amounts of the exciting parts while close to nothing of the boring mundane ones.
2. Looking at my own highlight reel made me realize how blessed I’ve been in the past year. And maybe that’s one of the upsides of social media – that when you look back at your own properly documented ‘highlight reel’ you see that indeed you had many good times.

It is a known fact that the human mind tends to remember the bad things better. When things go wrong, or when you feel angry or upset, the feelings stick to your mind much more that the happy feelings. That’s why I think things like gratitude journals or #100happydays are useful because when we do reviewing them, we can clearly see the remember the good we’ve enjoying. And hopefully this will give us a better appreciation of our own lives.

In my case, scrolling through my Instagram account unexpectedly made me feel thankful for the life God has given me. I hope this little trick of creating your own highlight reel also helps you find and feel gratitude in your own lives.

And before I go, just thought I’d share a few of my favourites:

Our honeymoon in USA: Double rainbow at Niagara Falls and the crazy lights parade at Walt Disney World.

Our wedding ceremony. Good friends who remember my birthday with sweet gifts.

The amazing Greece. Beautiful flowers in Sydney.

Simple things like awesome waffles back home (this one at Stranger’s Reunion). Embarking and planning for the next adventure.

Credit for all 8 photos: Juxxtapose